Diary of a Superstar: Angry and Hurt

It's been a busy week for me and no mistake. The last minute cancelation of our match by the KKK 2nd XI left me angry and hurt but the fact there was no cricket at the weekend gives me more time to talk about much more important things.

Like me!

As a young boy growing up in Natal Province I dreampt of playing cricket for Englind (actually it was rugby for Sath Ifrica but it turned out I wasn't good enough for either) and the journey I took is now at an end because of petty, bitter, short sighted men with an axe to grind!

Trust issues? After all I've done for Englind? I don't know how much longer I can keep a dignified silence but I shall try to be the bigger man.

And Strauss is only doing this because of his tiny winkle.

It all started so well with my legendary innings against the crickiting giants Listershire (or wherever it was). Much has been said about my megnificent performance but I don't think its fair to focus on the fact that Lister haven't won a game for two years, have a pace attack with an average age of 47, and dropped me five times. The fact is they are a professional team (well, some of them are) and the fact I have proved myself against them shows I am more than ready to tackle the likes of Mitchell Johnson and Glen Maxwell.

However, that is all in the past and I wish those small minded idiots all the best in their doomed attempt to regain the ashes. I shall say no more about it. Until my new book comes out (ECB: Rise of the Muppets - available in time for Christmas £19.99 from all good book shops).

So gatted was I by the whole sorry saga I couldn't concentrate on winning the IPL championship world cup for... whichever team it was, and my thoughts turned to the warm welcome awaiting me in Aberdeen and the sheer joy of taking the long handle to bowlers from a much lower level.

So I faked an injury and jumped on the first Easy Jet back.