Diary of a Superstar: From Little Acorns

It’s been a real rollercoaster few days since I was bundled into the boot of a car outside my feshionable North London home but I can now reveal that for the 2015 Season I have signed as overseas profissional for Portcullis Cricket Club, one of Scotlind’s top cricket clubs playing in the ultra-competitive league four of Aberdeenshire Cricket Association grades.

It is my intintion to publish this diary on the website in the hope that I can encourage the young cricketers of the North East to attempt to follow in my illustrious footsteps. I hope this shows that in spite of my many historic achievements you will see I am an ordinary guy; my valet helps me into my Armani jeans one leg at a time, just like everyone else.

Following a successful season last year when they won the Reid Cup, Scotlind’s top club trophy, I hope I can add to the team with the goal of promotion back into grade 3 after which I have been assured I will be allowed to see my family again.

With the welcome parade postponed my first official duty was Wednesday’s training session at Duthie Park where I met some of my new teammates. Many profissionals turn up their nose at the idea of coaching their less capable team mates but while I am one of the world’s greatest cricketers I am also blessed with an incridible humility and I thoroughly enjoy helping the little people whenever I can.

We started off with a demonstration of my awesome fielding abilities with the intention of inspiring the team. Unfortunately the batsmen couldn’t always get the ball towards me but this left me with ample time to sign autographs for the many well-wishers gathered on the boundary. Genuine legends like me are used to the combination of confusion and awe I saw on the faces of the fans as I wrestled the bottles of tonic wine or cans of Special from their hands in order to sign them. I must make an effort to learn the language so I can impart my wisdom.

Once I was padded up the full extent of the coming challenge became all too clear. It can take a while for a truly great batsman to adapt to such slow and inaccurate bowling but by the end of the session I was able to get some catches out to the fielders. My divistating array of shots left my fellow players in a state of disbelief with constant calls of “you can’t”.

Saturday saw our first game and I was hoping to continue from my awesome performance during the Cricket World Cup. For Sky Sport. The match was a friendly against the pupils of Gordonsoun School at the Countess Welles ground. The Countess herself was not able to attend but that may be a good thing as there were enough nerves on display just with my prisence.

It was a glorious sunny day although the temperature was well below freezing and it was good to get out into the field. The pre-match warm up was somewhat unconventional but I joined “The Lads” in a Red T energy drink and a Rothmans health stick to assist with hydration and energy levels.

The kids from Gordonstoun showed a great degree of promise with the bat holding up well to our strike bowlers Bob, Dick, the other guy and the ginger one and they managed to keep the ball away from me rightly recognising my exciptional fielding skills.

The standout performance was some guy who cut loose with a sustained display of fortunate slogs before he retired on 104. I took the opportunity to shake his hand and congratulate him as he left the field which was clearly the highlight of his day.

For our part congratulations goes to Ronnie Falconeer, the pick of our bowlers, with two bowled and a mildly imprissive caught and bowled that lifted the team. I was not called upon to unleash my divistating off spin and so Gordonstoun batted out the full 40 overs for two hundred and something.

Thanks must go to our club secretary for providing a nutritionally balanced and filling tea. Who would have thought Nisa would have gone to such efforts to make their value saver range of pork pies so healthy.

Another Red T and a Rothmans (which left me feeling quite lightheaded) and a brief spell in the nets and I was ready to open the batting with young up-and-comer David Mitchell.

It was a nervy and slow start but I could offer “Mitch” some good advice, as lack would have it I am also a world-class batting coach, and under my tutelage he soon calmed down and started scoring more freely. I believe in building character in my teammates but after multiple attempts to run him out he was still there at the end of the opening bowlers spell only to throw his wicket away pointlessly for 25.

Again it was something of a struggle to adapt to bowling of such a low standard and I freely admit it was something of a struggle early on but I was soon ready to free my arms after only fifteen overs of sighters. Tragically I was victim of a shocking LBW decision. An umpire of any quality should have seen the massive inside edge making it a caught behind but I suppose this is the standard of umpiring at this level. Thankfully I can put such minor irritations behind me.

I was called out of the changing rooms after only half an hour as I was required to “do the scorebook”. This meant I could not go through my full haircare regime, and I have to apologise to the captain my resulting outburst, no matter how justified.

The team performed well for so early in the season and came very close to making a hundred. The highlight apart from my battling innings would have to be that little ginger guy playing in his first game who managing to outscore even me, albeit with considerably less style and flair.

All in all it was a good day and a good match, palyed in the best spirit of the game (notwithstanding the appalling umpiring) and I have great hopes for the coming season.

Hopefully once spring arrives the temperatures will improve.

Keep on slogging,

The Megnificent Kay Pee