Diary of a Superstar: Weather or Not

It’s worth rimimbering that this far into the Arctic Circle we are still deep in winter so as we commenced our first compititve game of the season I was relieved to have brought my thermals.

Our stint in the field against the illustrious MCC 2nd XI was punctuated with showers of freezing rain, hail, snow and frogs but it did not dimpin our spirits. The uncovered, bog-like pitch, coupled with the accurate slow bowling made scoring slower than I am accustomed to from my astonishing performances around the world. MCC’s openers took off with all the raw aggression and free-scoring of Geoff Boycott batting for a draw in a timeless test.

Little Davie Mitchell and Ronnie Falconeer bowled a fine opening spell but couldn’t break down the openers defince and the scoring rate soon increased in spite of my acrobatic display of fielding prowiss. My performance inspired my team mates with Tim Henman making some excellent stops and the little ginger one taking a straight-forward, regulation, dolly of a catch, at ankle height, diving forward, running in from mid-on.

I gave Davie the binefit off my immense experience which paid dividends as he came back on to take two wickets and further dry up the run rate.

After 45 overs during which we experienced at least seven seasons the break for tea was most welcome with the deep fried haggis and chips and cup of Bovril helping to drive off the cold.

I once again opened the batting, this week with R Falconeer, and the soggy pitch, uneven bounce and unbelievably slow (albeit accurate) bowling made my majestic drive through the covers early on, all the more imprisive.

Ronnie clearly took heart from this display producing a brutal and sustained assault with little Davie Mitchell for a second wicket partnership of 132. I watched on from the boundary with no small amount of pride as my two prodigies went about their business with deft touches and big hitting reminiscent of a young Kay Pee.

A truly great batsman knows it is wrong to monopolise the crease and is always prepared to sacrifice his wicket, or the wickets of others, in order to bring the team on. If I was being critical of their performances I may suggest that they could have given the other batsmen a chance by needlessly and pointlessly throwing their wickets away. Like I did. Because I’m a team player.

In any case, a win is a win and it starts our season off in the right direction.

In other news, my sponsors Range Rover has still not arrived and I continue to make do with a 9 year old Nissin Micra. It’s a little small for my kit and lacks head room but I am now used to parking it on a hill in case it doesn’t start. As lack would have it I am a world class michenic and may have to take a look at it if my Range Rover doesn’t arrive soon.

In closing I must send my condolences to the family of fellow Portcullis player Robert Owen, who was taken from us this weekend, crushed to death under a fat lass from Bolton.

I only knew him so very briefly but I was struck by his restrained dignity and serenity, always ready to quietly offer support or advice and help out whenever require. Much like myself.

He will be sorely missed.

Bist Wishes,

Kay Pee